Help! I’m being stalked by someone who wants to take me on exotic foreign holidays, shower me with precious jewels and give me shedloads of money, either £20,000 every month till I die, or a great big lump sum payment.
Why you, I hear you ask? Are you brilliantly bright, hilariously funny, a sexual athlete with an incredible libido or just amazingly attractive. Unfortunately none of these. I’m just a run of the mill kind of wife and mother, few wrinkles, bit of a podge round the tummy, arms that could do with a firm up, legs that could do with a wax…
And no I don’t need the help in deciding whether £20,000 per month for life’s better than a lump sum, taking into account interest rates, inflation, property prices, etc.
No my problem’s coping with the disappointment when I realise it’s yet another scam and really I’ll always remain as poor as a wee church mouse.
“You get nothing for nothing in this world,” my husband lifted his head up from the paper, when I brandished my latest Prize Draw Award letter.
“Not true,” I replied swiftly. “Carol over the road won an emerald.”
OK the emerald was the size of a pinhead and you needed a microscope to see it, but if she’d won 200 of them, she could maybe have fashioned them into a ring of sorts, couldn’t she?
I’ve spent a fortune on phonecalls that last forever as they relay lists of items you haven’t won and where in the end you find your ‘three palm trees fabulous prize’ is an overseas holiday for which you receive free accommodation but have to pay double for flights and food (read the small print and you realise you have to eat at least twice a day in the hotels).
Or there’s the ‘£800 cash’ prize, which is a leaflet full of two-for-one offers on theme parks you’ve never heard of, restaurants you wouldn’t dare dine in and dull hotels situated in the back of beyond where no-one else wants to stay.
Last week I received a text message entitled WINNER.
HEY YOU ARE A WINNER. ONLY 12
HOURS IN WHICH TO CALL!!!
As the clock ticked towards the deadline, my brain fought an inner battle. One part warning me if I did nothing I might be missing out big time, but the other part telling me not to be a daft mare and cook supper for my family instead. I cooked supper.
Only yesterday my phone rang.
“Hi there.” (Bright cheery automated voice.) “As a past customer you have an unclaimed award. This was drawn in Spring 2013. Yes. You have won one of ten pcs, wide-screen tv’s, holiday for up to six people in sunny Tenerife. Your Prior Claim Code is 10. But better be quick,” the Alan Sugar sound-alike continued. “In order to share our award pool, call this hot line number.”
Then the cheery voice cut off and a normal boring voice said with lightning speed. “Calls costs £1.50 per minute and will last no more than five minutes.”
OK I admit it, I jotted down the number and had my finger on the dial before I reminded myself that this was me about to ring that number. Me about to win that magnificent prize. Me who never wins anything. Tell a lie, I once won a jiffy lemon at a school summer fete, but that’s it. Doubt my luck’s gonna start changing now.
But no, I can’t guarantee the next time, I won’t be tempted. As they say in AA, one day at a time…